"The main work is bringing more consciousness, sensitivity, and articulation to the vagina in order for us to feel, move and consciously approach this place. It is very deep place which is inside of who you are and in the majority of cases we are not connected to it at all and unfortunately in most cases there is a very clear disconnection or hard rejection toward this part of who we are.
People think about their bodies and menstruation as something painful and hurtful and so did I at some point, but then consciously working and discovering all the pleasure that the body has to offer and that the body is capable of... I realise that menstruation is an integral part of it.
I didn’t think about this much in this direction but let’s talk about this...
So, I will start with my journey, how I came to all of this. I think I have a pretty ‘normal’ sexual story; I had a boyfriend and probably my first orgasm in my late teens, 18 or 20 or something. I thought that it is something that just happens to us, you have sex, you pleasure yourself and at some point, you will have an orgasm. I didn’t consider orgasm as something you can work on or have a more conscious approach to; it was just a product of our sexual life.
Then when I was in my early thirties, I was becoming more dissatisfied with it, because I felt it wasn’t enough. I had questions ‘is this all I can possibly experience?’ it was very, I don’t want to say sad, but disempowering. I was looking at my body and my sexuality and thinking ‘is this it?’. I felt that in other activities there is so much more pleasure to be had inside of me and through my body’s capability, but I wasn’t sure how to access it.
So, I started to investigate different approaches to sexuality and the most common thing people encounter is going deep into BDSM or something like that. Exploring this awesome, the external ways of stimulation, and different relationships you can have with partners, different partners, different orientations, whatever, but experimentation. I was wondering how I can change my environment, or the stimulus around me and how this will affect my pleasure and my sexuality. And it has an effect, I am not going to say that it doesn’t, of course it does, but I still it didn’t feel like it actually fulfilled me. I didn’t feel that it was actually it!
Then I discovered the older practices, I looked to tantra; another common topic, but it also didn’t give me what I wanted or expected or what I thought I could reach. It was a dream, but nothing was meeting that expectation. Then I discovered the Taoist sexual practices and it is very to the point, practical ‘you need to do this, this and this...’and it worked. It was magic. It was one week to the next I felt more pleasure and I could do things I never thought I or my body could do.
I probably saw it in porn, or heard it was possible, but I didn’t think I could do it because I am just a ‘normal’ person! I am not a pornstar or anything like that. I am still in this journey, but I feel I have so much more tools and knowledge than before. Primarily I share this information with my friends, and it works like magic, every time I talk to someone, or give them a book or some sort of material, the feedback is that ‘wow it works!’.
I don’t know why no one talks about it! When we are becoming women, why is no one sitting us down and saying these are the things which are possible? Because it is simple, it is about knowing what is possible, knowing how to access it and having a little bit more of a conscious approach to your pleasure and sexuality.
Of course, there are so many historical reasons as to why it is the way it is. But I cannot really find anything negative about it; it is pleasurable, it is empowering, it changes everything around you because you are sexually satisfied. If you want to go into the direction, (though people don’t need to), there is a whole part of harnessing our sexual energy. It is the most important energy we have, the energy in us which can create life. It is more of an energy dance than just creating life; we don’t make babies all the time, so we can use this energy in other parts of our lives; our creativity, whatever... it is an energy that is accessible to us and that people don’t appreciate. If you learn how to work with it, harness it, use it and enjoy it, if you learn how to be more conscious of it, it is a very beautiful experience.
Now I am thinking about creating an online course for this, because all the content I found; courses, books etc. some of it is really bad! Some of the online stuff is crap! You know if you google ‘how to improve my orgasm?’ what you read there is a big no, it is horrible. So, I read a lot, I paid a lot for good quality courses, and you pay thousands of dollars to get maybe two or three tools to use. I don’t know everything, but I know enough about the stuff that works and is a simple enough process for people to actually do. Day one, this, day two, this, day three... ta-dum!
The majority, maybe 50-60% are the women can only have clitoral orgasm, perhaps there is a dream of having an orgasm from penetration or other things and there is a whole theory, but it is not very profound, at least as people may think. For those I would try to understand what they are most interested in. For example, I think the easiest thing to learn and something which ‘hooks’ people is squirting; people know it exists, but there is a belief that some women can do it and some women cannot, but this is not true; everybody can! From there they can then go deeper to different possibilities.
The main work is bringing more consciousness, sensitivity, and articulation to the vagina in order for us to feel, move and consciously approach this place. It is very deep place which is inside of who you are and in the majority of cases we are not connected to it at all and unfortunately in most cases there is a very clear disconnection or hard rejection toward this part of who we are. When people don’t want to even talk about putting an object inside of themselves, it is an intense response.
It is a place where we store a lot of emotions, a lot of trauma, every thing we experience as a wombyn; every inattentive lover, everything that happened to us sexually and if we do not bring this area conscious love, attention and movement, it stays there. This stuck-ness brings numbness and stores negativity in the body. As a wombyn this is the deepest place for us to store things.
Working on bringing consciousness and release to this place is very beneficial; mentally, physically, emotionally... on all levels.
There are a lot of weird things that people recommend and big push for instance for kegel exercises which are not very affective because when he; Kegel, started using these exercises he was using a devise that you need to put inside to use for feedback and resistance and now when it is recommended you simply contract the muscles. My parallel to this is a desire to build your bicep, so you go to the gym and someone tells you to just contract and release the muscle, of course it is much more affective if they give you are a weight and teach you how to do, then you can build your muscles much faster and much more efficiently. There is something called a jade egg, it is a helpful devise in what we are talking about, but often people are using it in a weird way, because it is a weight used to strength the vagina and build sensitivity; it is a great tool! But you need to use it for this! If someone gives you weights for the bicep you don’t wear it around, you don’t sleep with it, you use it for a specific time of exercising and then you rest, you work with it like exercising any other part of your body, there is not so big a difference.
The jade egg is not the only tool, but it is one of the most effective, if you use it correctly, if you do not sleep with it inside or do yoga with it for example. But if you use it for very specific exercises three times a week it is more than enough.
I don’t know why it happened that gynaecologists are scared to tell wombyn to put something inside of themselves, somehow it has become to much of a ‘thing’, but to do kegels and to not have any feedback or resistance isn’t really training anything! Probably if you do it a lot, perhaps you can track the shift, but it is not efficient, and you lose articulation and sensitivity inside that you can do with the egg for instance.
The main thing for me, is that the orgasm gives us happiness and pleasure for free, other parts of our life require something external, this is completely you on your own, it is the pleasure you can bring to yourself and I think it is a very powerful concept and here I am not talking about relationship or sex with another person, it is more about self-exploration and self-pleasure.
The other thing, as I said is about release, orgasm is a release and different types, levels or layers of orgasm will give you a different type of release. Its starts with physical, but of course then to emotional and all the way to our spiritual realm, which is of course one of the main things we can access and experience through the orgasm and for me this was one of the main hooks; I had spiritual experiences using drugs for instance, but I found that orgasm was somehow the only way I could get to such places just using my body without using external stimulation. Breathing is also such a technique, but it doesn’t feel as powerful to me.
Orgasmic release is very important, and I don’t think there are enough or many spaces that we allow ourselves to experience our emotional/physical/spiritual selves fully other than this.
My main thought when it comes to the benefits or the reasons, it ‘why not?’ if you can do this, if you can have all of these experiences why wouldn’t you? It is good for you, it is good for everyone around you, you are not using any resources, you are not adding chemicals to your body, why not?
It is a big loss that people don’t explore this more or enjoy the full range of offerings from their body and from their orgasm; you are given this life, you are given this body, you need to make the most of it.
‘If I am orgasming I am helping everyone else’ I am more relaxed, I am more happy, after such deep experiences you don’t give a fuck about the world, everything is okay and I think that a lot of the dissatisfaction with the world has a sexual connotation, a lot of people are not sexually fulfilled and they project that into lots of different areas of their life. I think that if you figure this one out, this aspect of your being, a big part of your dissatisfaction with life, with people, with everything around you, goes away.
Some things are just easier!
It is important to do internal work with yourself first and surely there are men that can help and I have personally had clear impacts from partners, but there is something about it coming from the self, about doing it for the self, the egocentric and egoistic part of this journey is important and it is very empowering. I don’t like so much this word empowering, but it gives you tools about who you are, what you are capable of. It gives you more control over your body, a deeper understanding and then you are more equip to go into sexual interaction with someone else. You come from a different place, you don’t come from a hungry or desperate space, which I think contributes to people being more self-conscious; if you don’t enter sexual encounters from a secure place, you put a lot of expectation or weight onto interactions with others, expecting and projecting a lot of things and unfulfilled desires.
Fantasizing is an interesting topic, a way to have strong and clear stimulus without necessarily exploring ‘what am I actually feeling?’, ‘what is actually pleasurable to me and what is not?’, but to be more focused on the external. The beautiful thing is that to get to some of the most interesting places you need to let go of the idea of them, you find this in the realm of self-development; that to get somewhere you must let go of it at some point. To explore on a physical and grounded level can already be enough, it doesn’t mean you have to leap too soon to the ultimate or to the spiritual, or to enlightenment, first you can just get to a place of having very good orgasms, how to touch yourself, how to breathe etc.
Fantasizing; there are many interesting theories, no one really knows how it works, it is a fascinating topic and I don’t think it is detrimental, if you use too much porn for instance it is bad for you, if you want to go deeper and move away from the ‘sugar-high’ and go to more beautiful and interesting places within your sexuality, it is detrimental, but fantasizing is a grey area that no one really knows. It is deep thing and reflects a lot about yourself, and there are a lot of people who are trying to put some sort of framework around this, to say ‘this is a good arousal mechanism’ and ‘this is a more negative arousal mechanism’. If you are fantasizing about violence for example, it doesn’t mean that you actually want such a thing to happen to you, it is just that it triggers sexuality within you, so it is tricky, because we can fantasize about something we wouldn’t want to actually ever experience, it is a different realm and that makes it even more fascinating and exciting, because it is not a direct reference of your sexual desires, which I don’t think people have an answer to yet.
It is a powerful tool and good to have in your box, it shouldn’t however be the focus or the only one, but it can be used, you shouldn’t over do on any of the tools, it is how they works together. But it is not the topic I know enough about, and I don’t even think there is enough to know, enough research or knowing.
You cycle will affect your orgasms, and it is interesting to see how wombyn relate to orgasming throughout their cycle. The majority of people are more negative about sexuality during menstruation, maybe they feel further from their orgasm, or their partner at this time, but I think it is actually a very powerful moment for us wombyn. If we move ourselves a little bit into that direction and personally I have experienced some of the most powerful things during my menstruation, in terms of sex and in terms of the orgasm. It has this raw and animal energy and if you have a partner or are in the space for both of you that it is okay, it is a very deep experience to have sex during menstruation, especially on white sheets, with blood, with sweat, with sex, it is wild.
A lot of the orgasm is about letting go and relaxing, the mental component is important. For some, to be sexual during menstruation is already asking them to let go of control in a way, to feel comfortable and for some wombyn this is a big step. To be sexual during menstruation can help a lot with the mental blocks, you have jumped over a cliff with sexuality and blood and conditioning.
For me, it is also the best way to relieve cramps and pain and to feel better. When I have partner, the best thing to help me during my menstruation is to have help during this time, less pain, and more joy.
It is more a time for me to be with someone however, to self-pleasure is less available somehow, though maybe I would do it for a release, but I am less comfortable let’s say.
I also like to resolve my menstrual days to have down time, especially during the first heavier days, I relax and I do not do any hard physical activities. I wouldn’t do any hard sexual practices, I do vaginal weight-lifting for instance and I wouldn’t do that in my heaviest days, but sex, yeah it is beautiful and powerful!
It was such a beautiful journey for me and I wish and hope that more wombyn get to experience this.
At first, I try to understand where the person is with their sexuality and on their sexual journey. For example, some wombyn, something like 10-20%, have never had an orgasm in their life. This experience is incredibly sad and not very good for people’s mental and physical health, because orgasm is a release; an emotional, and physical release, and this is the hardest group or demographic to work with. Because I cannot relate to this experience, I don’t always feel like I can help, at least right now, or yet. I can suggest typical places for them to start, with sex toys for example but they are not the things you want to use ultimately so it would be an interim solution. Because this is not part of my personal journey it is hard for me to help people there.
When I started to become dissatisfied with my orgasm I would project it onto my partners and expect them to figure out something new or solve this for me and I feel like if you know what impossible and how to get yourself there you can approach your meeting with others from a bit more of a relaxed place.
It is also a way to give voice to self pleasure, self touch, masturbation. Of course some type of masturbation can be detrimental, if you are watching porn and using a vibrator all the time for a quick sugar fix, or ‘busting an orgasm out’, it is a different energy, it comes from a different place and right now a lot of women will go into this direction when it comes to self pleasuring and self touch.