Vanessa

           "Finally one year on the 24th of December I received my blood, my Christmas gift and immediately I called my mother with excitement. When I lost my period I was 19, a little after teen years, but not yet a woman and so I feel that I grew up missing this part of becoming a woman, there was no blood, no connection until 26.

With the elements I am still learning how hey are connected to and through the moon.

I was really disconnected from my cycle, but since a few years I totally totally love it, to bleed and to connect to the blood, but I am still figuring out with the cervix, with the temperature, to understand myself better, I am still figuring out what is happening with these days of sadness, the days of insecurity, or days of restlessness and usually when I check I can say ‘oh wow, my moon, the moon’and it comes with these moments of ‘of course’ because this is where I am in my cycle. It is very useful in learning more about myself, and accepting what is coming.

The seasons, the south is summer time, connected to the water, the west is the ground and autumn, then is darkness, the winter, the north and the air and in the east is the spring, but this is from the tradition which I am connected to, the shamans. It depends of course, on the tradition, the country, the geography, because the moon and sun have a different placement, a different element, if we go to south America it will be much different to the Russian tradition for instance. When I searched previously in traditions which are very far from my geography I was thinking ‘why is it like this? It makes no sense for me’, the fire in the south? But now, the fire, coming rising with the spring, where the day is starting. Throughout the day the water begins to flow, action is happening and in the evening as the sun sets, and we are coming back to the ground after all of the happening of the day, to the north, where the air is coming, the lightness is coming, washing, resetting us, in the darkness, the cold, the night.

We see this in different layers, in the day, in the year, the lifecycle and in our case also the menstrual cycle. I am moving with these elements based on both what I feel and what I have learnt through studies.

 

 

It is important to take what we have learnt and then paint our own personal circle, bringing the outside to the inside. The first exploration is to ask ‘what is does the element mean for me?’okay other people say this, but what does it really mean for you? The water, the fire, the air, the earth, the ether, spring, summer, autumn, winter.

Yesterday I felt very strongly that I needed to refresh myself, I needed to shower, to use the water, using this external water to connect to my inner water. After so long under the water I am new, I am recovered, I am a new person and my feeling is changing totally. We are 70% water, we have this fire which is burning in us, we need and use the air in our breathe. The ground is supporting our inner fire, if we have the wood and the air we can burn.

 

 

 

 

 

There is a connection through, ourselves, our being, the earth. There is a powerful healing which the elements can bring. It is so simple, I love that it is simple, the quality of each element is so rich, containing extremes. The air can be so soft and gentle for example, but cane also have the strength to destroy a house, same with the water, with the earth, stable but it can shake. They have positive a negative poles, which we also find in our emotional body.

We as women are more connected with La Luna, in German the word for moon is masculine, it is weird in comparison to many or most traditions. But as we feel our breasts more full, our belly more swollen we are moving like the moon, the male form is not changing so dramatically as us. We are connected, we have more water in our centre, in our womb, the universe inside of ourselves. It is lovely to feel the invisible, energy, spirit, but I love to understand things which I can touch and feel and you can see how the water molecule can change with sound, with movement, in experiments, but also the tide of the ocean, it gives us understanding of how drastically we can change.

I feel blessed and thankful for my yoni-verse, we can lose it, but in some moments we always come back to talk and conversate with this space.

 

In German we say ‘naval feeling’, I guess in English it is this ‘gut feeling’, but it makes me wonder where intuition is coming from, it is different from the mind, from the heart, it different even from this belly feeling. I have a feeling it is different, I don’t know why but I imagine it coming from this space (points to torso). Perhaps it is a meeting between these sources, a gathering of the heart, the belly and maybe a bit of the mind and the arising of the intuition. But certainly is can be heard more loudly in different moments of the cycle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally one year on the 24th of December I received my blood, my Christmas gift and immediately I called my mother with excitement. When I lost my period I was 19, a little after teen years, but not yet a woman and so I feel that I grew up missing this part of becoming a woman, there was no blood, no connection until 26.

When the blood came I was so excited, to see it flow in the river, to give it to the earth, to paint with it, to watch it dry, to view it as a medicine.

 

 

Someone told me about using blood as a medicine, she told me about drinking it, I was not ready for this extreme, but it was interesting, but once I dried it and put it in my coffee, it was so nice. To see the texture in the cup, at first it was so dark and the smell so strong, now I can put it over my hands and it is so beautiful. I am so happy for my blood, but in the otherside I am grateful for this period of not having my cycle I believe it brought me to have such love for it now. If it just existed and continued I don’t know if I would have this joy, feeling it, seeing it, smelling it, drinking it, drying it, painting with it. I accept that it was needed to fall in love.

I feel I am woman, but I there is a strength I imagine coming in the forties or something. I am not a teenager, I am not a woman I am in between somewhere, I don’t know the word.

When I was a teenager, no one celebrated my blood, our blood. In Germany, in the culture the blood comes with a heaviness, a rolling of the eyes.

 

 

I said to my brother he must celebrate the blood of my niece to change this pattern. It is seen as so heavy, bad, this blood, this bleeding, I was bleeding for long, eight days or so.

 

 

I then didn’t have my period for six years or longer, I was excited at first, it was so nice, I didn’t have to take care, I felt protected also sexually. The lightness, I didn’t feel a cycle, I was not connected, I didn’t think about it. Then I started to go to women circles and when they would talk about blood or the changing femininity, I didn’t know it. The woman running the circles spoke about the blood stopping and entering into this wise woman phase with such joy, I was fascinated and intriguied, but still I didn’t have my cycle and I started to become sad and wonder when it would come back.

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