" In Italy it is extremely easy, you are a woman, you need to make babies. It is strict actually; it is the obvious thing... I never felt brave, I never cared. If something doesn’t suit me,
My mum used to work in the hospital, in the maternity ward, I was always very well informed about the changes in my body from a medical sense. My mum taught me if your period is precise your body is healthy. I remember the first information was when I was young, maybe four or five. My mum bought me a VHS set of sexual education for children, everything about sex in a cartoon, starting from the sexual act, masturbation, homosexuality, giving birth, menstruation, puberty, everything. Of course, it was very simple, but correct scientific terms, I have always been very aware and what sex was in some way. I could not understand why people decided to have sex, but it was clear that it existed.
Then during my teen years, my sexual education from my family was completely absent, almost like my mum decided to give all the information, before it was embarrassing and then to completely ignore it when I was a teenager, which is quite weird. I grew up with two cousins, girls who were older than me. So I lived through the first period with them. Also in the south of Italy there is a celebration when you have your first period, they say ‘you are a woman now’, there are presents and a cake, within the family, the men and women are involved.
I view it now as something annoying, I feel that my body is naturally able to create life, and it is never something I wanted to do. I have never felt comfortable with the idea of carrying a life inside of me. Mine is enough, more than enough. I don’t feel that I would be happy or comfortable with the idea, of carrying a life inside of me. That responsibility is not appealing, its too big. For now, my period is proof that I am a mammal, and I can still do this thing that I don’t think I was born to do, it is therefore a bit weird.
Usually when I ovulate, I start to feel myself weird, emotionally talking. That is a bad moment for my head and the period is a bad moment for my body. I feel in control (emotionally), when I notice my direction moving toward negativity I can help myself by focusing on something else, which is good. After ovulation and into the luteal phase it is harder. I feel that I lose control of my emotion’s day by day, it is overwhelming at times. It is from this phase that there is the famous joke ‘Are you angry? Are you on your period?’
If I could I would get an operation to be infertile, to get rid of my period. The only reason why I haven’t done it is that if you stop something that is natural to your body, you will get side effects; getting older more quickly, problems with libido and sexuality, not well lubricated when I have sex etc. The problems of doing it are so many, so of course I would not do it. If I could make my uterus disappear I would, but the side effects are too much.
During my menstruation, I eat a lot of sugar and right before my period I notice physical changes. I have always dreamt of having tiny breasts and during my period I have massive breasts, somehow it makes me feel more maternal and I don’t like it because I don’t feel like me. The man that inseminates you has to see you in an animal sense, as the perfect shape to grow something in your body, its why society likes ass or boobs as the roundest part of the body. The image of abundance, strength, it is rich. If your boobs are exploding and your belly is a bit more round, the body is talking saying ‘I’m good, I’m ready, I can do it’. I have never had another opinion; my period has always been very annoying.
I remember waiting for it, but not. Waiting because I was the age, but not wanting it. Twenty years ago it was different in the south of Italy, once in a school year you would accidently lose blood and paint your trousers. It was the most humiliating thing you could think about in the early two-thousands in the south of Italy.
About being a mum, I never wanted to, I never played with dolls even as a child, I don’t remember saying ‘I don’t want to do it’ because I never remember thinking that I wanted it. In Italy it is extremely easy, you are a woman, you need to make babies. It is strict actually; it is the obvious thing.
I remember a woman in my hometown, she was very beautiful, and she never got married. When I was young, she was painted as this strange character, because she was incredibly beautiful ‘she didn’t have any excuse’ to the society. She was happy I suppose but painted as strange.
I never felt brave, I never cared. If something doesn’t suit me, I just refuse it I never remember being pushed that much. If you feel yourself as a mother in the future, you feel it, always. I like sex, and if I have a person in my life, I stay on and on. If I am single, I don’t feel the desperate need of another body. Maybe in my twenties, but not now. If there is not a great connection, I don’t want mediocre sex, I don’t care.
I noticed in my last ovulation, I woke up with a weird tension and sex was painful, all my muscles were contracted, I felt stiff. I have always felt that I have a good sensitivity in general, I have always been aware of what my body says. I prefer to listen to my body than my head or my heart because I feel that my body as a magnet, can feel the real nature of the thing. That is why when I don’t like somebody or something, or if I do I feel it as a physical thing.
I have always imagined my emotions as a physical sensation; every emotion has a pain or tickle in the body. When I am happy, I feel my chest is about to rip apart, I literally feel my ribs splitting in two, When I feel angry, is in the neck and throat, a painful knot; it is the worst. Worry or anxiousness is in the stomach. I can never feel myself as just a body or a brain, it is complete cooperation.
Sometimes I think it is like having a superpower; that you can give the life to somebody else, but you have to live with the side effect, which is the cycle. Its like having the superpower of flying but you have to live you whole life with a ‘de de de de de de de’ in your ears, and maybe I don’t even want to fly because I believe I belong to the ground so its annoying to hear the ‘de de de de de’ and think ‘I don’t even want to fucking fly!’.